the wind through my hair…

Wow. If humans had but a tiny inkling of their true potential, they’d be blowing up shit with a flicker of thought and manifesting triple cheese burritos with just a blink of an eye. Ah, the Universal Mind. Beam me up Scotty and all that shit. But it’s true. And hard to believe.

This weekend I learned that you can NEVER truly know yourself until you’ve hit your rock bottom. And oh, what a friggin crash. They say that diamonds are produced from being under pressure; I think that most often the end product after all that pressure is just one gigantic turd of old dinosaur dung. That’s my 2 cents. (which, in Canada, is worth literally NOTHING. sigh.)

So many deep realizations, esoterik visitations and a mild case of IBS. Such is my life at the moment- a raw, eye-opening, crampy, ethereal, unpredictable pair of shit-stained knickers. And I am SO ready to air out my dirt laundry. Take that, Gramma!

A few weeks ago I watched a documentary on the artist Eminem. What I learned is that he is able to say all the things he wants to say, “do” the things he wants to do (without actually doing them) by creating this alter ego, Slim Shady. Through his alter ego he can, fight, name-call, fuck, kill, express his deep hurt from being bullied, express his opinions without apology, etc. He literally gets the best, and the worst, of both worlds. Think about it. She certainly is… All jokes aside, I have been meditating on this idea since then. My first thought was, “It’s just another masque to put on.” And after working so hard for all of these months to truthfully and wholly love myself, isn’t this just another escape? My second thought was, “What if I literally lose myself to this ‘other person’?” Is that what “They” refer to as “selling one’s soul to the devil”? My third thought, which still remains as I continue to meditate on it, was “There are many different and unique personas inside all of us; some come out at specific times, places or whilst in certain company”. To try to remove even just one of these personas would be the same as seperating our skin from the bones and then demanding our body to be “complete”. Ommmmmm, I am full of shittttt, ommmmmm.

Peace, until the dawn breaks…

 

welcome to the dark side

I will preface this post with this: it is long and coming, scattered, and flaky. And I am owning all. of that.

These past couple of months have been really spiritually enlightening; I have truly felt my chakras opening up, blossoming with all their colours, lighting up my aura…

Actually NO. Fuck that. These past months have been tortuous, piss-filled months from hades. and that’s ok. I need that. Because I am so stubborn that it damn near takes a freight train full of horse shit to send me a message. True story.

The lesson I am learning is to embrace all aspects of my personality, in particular my darker side (hence the wake up call from hades); learning not to shy away from the various personalities that reside within me (even the one that tells me to kill kill kill ; p)

There is a hefty amount of guilt that my brain has  associated with these “less than acceptable” personas; belonging to cultures that have the “all or nothing” mentality, where everything is so black and white, it’s proven to be quite the journey to reside in the Grey.

I have no idea what my finished product will be, because deep down I wish to never be finished; to becontinually growing, expanding, pushing my own limits-its exhausting but oh so exhilirating!

I’ve all but packed up my granny panties and pyjama pants and taken off to L.A. to become a not-so-starving artist (because let’s face it,  I’ve got enough fat reserves to last me through an apocalypse) but yet I remain here, not quite standing but not flat on my ass-yet.

Are we here to compromise
or to be in a compromised state

or 2016-06-13 15.51.27are they one and the same?

I fear the sun more than the moon, it sheds so much light, too much light. Whereas the moonlight gently envelopes me in its arms, no pretenses, no judgements, no expectations.

I am also learning to embrace the masculine in me instead of trying so hard to be feminine and dainty and quiet and submissive-I am Mars, god of war, and guess what? I do not need your validation. or your approval. or your permission.

What if its in our genetic makeup to be submissive or dominant, and forcing one to be that which he is not, would be like asking them to cut off a vital organ?

We must be free to change our minds, over and over and over again, embracing that which suits us and quietly leaving that which causes us distress.
For how long will we passively tiptoe through life, being careful not to raise dust at our feet, careful not raise our voices to the sky, careful not to raise our eyes to the sun?

Who is the moderator of emotions and actions? I need to be free to ask this question, not to feel guilty for asking the source who put that very question in my heart.
Will I focus on creator, redeemer or sustainer? Is any one more imprtant than the other? Is there a right answer and a wrong one? What happens if I choose incorrectly? I guess I will just have to be ok with waiting for some answers, and knowing that some will always remain with a question mark.