Last night I was blessed to be able to reconnect with an old friend; for two hours in the night I felt normal again, I was able to just talk without censoring my own words and be my regular, kind of lewd self. Yesterday was a day of more release and most importantly of recognition of the incredible hurdles that I’ve overcome to get where I am today-and where I am today is at zero point. And that’s ok. I’d rather be at zero than in the negative. I’ve been reminded that most people do not get chances like this one, to start again with a fresh, clean slate. Well, fresh and clean but with tons of unique and life-altering experiences. I was reminded that there are actually no mistakes in life, but rather experiments. In that case just call me a mad scientist ‘cuz I’ve been blowing up shit in the lab left and right, searching for that right concoction.
At the beginning of this period of life change a friend had sent me a meme with this quote: “You have been given this mountain to show others how to move it.” If I were a poster child for any one message, it would be this: “Believe me, if I can get through all the effing shit I’ve been through then you’ve GOT THIS”. I won’t start listing off all of my crazy adventures, it’s not a pissing contest by any means, but let’s just say that most days I wake up with this mantra rolling around in my head: “It’s a damn miracle that I am still alive and have never been incarcerated.” period.
My life has been transformed in to an empty space of endless possibilities, which both excites and scares the shit outta me. I still live in the home where two of my children were born, I still sleep on my side of the bed, in the same bedroom where we fought and made up and fought again. The other side made up and empty. It’s comforting and humanly painful, all rolled in to one. And that too, is ok. I am slowly going through each area of my home and purging what will no longer be needed in my new home, wherever that will be. This too is an emotional process but one that I must embrace and face head on-what are we if we are unable to feel? I am well aware that in the past society has attempted to subdue the parts of us that may not be so “pretty”, such as sadness, or hurt or even anger, but these are all very real feelings that must be felt and acknowledged just as we gladly feel and acknowledge joy and love and happiness.
As my old life shifts in to a new one I get to go through every part of myself with a fine-tooth comb. Who am I now? Do I have a particular faith? Which new experiences do I want to try, and which ones that were on my list do I want to scratch off because they no longer interest me? Of all the things I have done in my 34 years on this planet, leaving the parent of my three children, leaving a faith that no longer fulfilled my soul, changing career paths, and choosing to stay in a place far from my family whilst all of this happens is probably amongst the top of my list of “courageous and admirable things” that I have done. I write this not for accolades, but to remind myself that the range of emotions that I feel, the trial and error that continues as I figure out what I want to be in the next six months, is all so, so normal. And necessary. And so obviously part of the process that how could I ever be unkind to my own tender heart??
Now I know, and knowing is half the battle-G.I. Joe.