Beyond…

alas, it’s time to approach the dreaded subject of…love. I’ve been on a quest to understand it, describe it, obtain it, tame it, shape it, wrap it up and place it under the tree to excitedly tear open one holiday morning. I’ve wondered if there is something beyond love, something less fickle and more steady. Love can be given or taken away depending on our emotional state, it is, in fact (in my very humble opinion) a choice. Whatever is beyond holds a magnetic power that perhaps cannot be explained; it is what keeps us holding on once the bells and whistles are gone, once the goosebumps and feelies and butterflies have faded in to the background and what has remained is an unshakeable commitment that requires no words. Where does this surety come from? (shrugs shoulders and takes another swig of coffee) All I know is that the grand universe is mysterious and there will probably never be descriptions sufficient enough to describe how it works or how things that were once “apart” (I use quotations because there really is no separation, is there?) can be brought back together in the oddest of ways.

Because humans often base decisions on a feeling, such as love, we can often misconstrue the “ending” of that love as just that-an end. Here’s what I propose-rather than viewing it as an end, how about we view it as a transformation in to something different? I’ll give a real-life example because I am, as we speak, sitting in the metaphorical fire of the divorce process from a person that I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life with. We even spawned. 3 times. It was pretty serious. I do not hate him, in fact, my feelings for him have morphed in to something more authentic and respectful; rather than being based on the ups and downs of “in love, not in love”, now it is much healthier. We can focus on our friendship and the strength of our parenting rather than being concerned about how to please the other. Because that was just a lost battle, thus the separation. Of course I can only speak from my own perspective, perhaps he has made a voodoo doll in my image and that’s why I’m getting adult acne. Either way, I feel strongly that we (the collective we of society in North America) have entered a new era where choosing to leave a partner is no longer viewed as something negative but rather a mature decision to reshape that relationship; from there something more wholesome and suitable can “be” according to the changes that each person has experienced over the course of said relationship.

These experiences are instrumental in our own growth processes as people; that’s not to say that there won’t be tears, and raw, unfiltered feelings of “Oh my god I’m not even going to make it through”-but we DO make it through, the difference being what we choose to learn and take from it and how it can better (not bitter) us, moving forward.

Does love exist? Of course it does, and it feels euphoric when it is present. Do I believe it is the be all and end all of everything? YES, if it is given unconditionally. I believe that the awareness of Unity is what holds us and guides us through the valleys and shadows. But what do I know? I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a coffee, asking it to just get her through the day.

Right here, right now

today is Christmas Day, and it is different. Unlike my usual habits I will not flower it up with any adjectives or descriptions, only that it is “different”. Different because I am a different person than I was a year ago (even different from yesterday), different because I see things from a different angle. Different because.

from the moment I opened my eyes this morning (and thank god I did otherwise I would’ve missed the chocolate-caramel pancakes) I have been thinking a lot about how conditioned we have become to “if I have this, then I will be ____________ (fill in blank) it’s no wonder we often feel like hamsters on a treadmill, running after imaginary happiness while the good stuff is directly at our feet. The “dangling carrots” can come in the form of the hyperbole of holidays, the need to acquire “stuff”, subtle or not so subtle suggestions that how we are is “not good enough”, and the reward/punishment system. I’ll be the first to point myself out that I’ve fallen in to every. Single. One. Of. Those traps. And then I have moments where I shake my head and wonder why I feel the way I feel or why I do the things I do. The blessing and curse of striving to be more self aware and live simply is that with each small change comes an uncovering of several other layers of growth. 

One huge topic that my day has highlighted is “failing”. Ouch. I know, I just cringed too. Until I remember how if I had never failed, I would be a 34 year old baby in diapers, crawling around on the floor because I didn’t take the chance to try to walk. Perspective. Word. These days whenever I have a task in front of me that requires even the smallest amount of risk (just enough to increase my heart rate and cause some stomach discomfort) I ask myself “what is the worst thing that could happen if this doesn’t work out?” Usually the answer is “the answer will be no”, or, “I’ll be laughed at/make a fool of myself”, or “I’ll melt in to a puddle of green goo on candid camera”. Then I breathe a sigh of relief. I can handle the word “no”. It may sting and I may throw a few punches at my pillow afterwards, but I’ll be fine. As for making a fool of myself, well there is little I haven’t done in the fool’s department so I haven’t got much to lose there either. The only thing I’m working on changing about that is my self talk AFTERWARDS. I’m constantly surprised at how hallmark-card encouraging I can be to others (very sincerely, never lip service) but how harsh I am on my own self. Although just recognizing it makes me feel better already. Self love and people pleasing will be the next things to work on; today I will just be my regular, sticky, messy self on the couch. 

solstice approaches and I am reminded of the luxurious comfort that darkness can bring; new beginnings coming from other beginning’s ends, and the whimsical bliss of a chinook wind blowing into the city. 

The initial intent of this blog was to, well, just write, unapologetically. And thus I begin again. And again. And again until the ache of necessary change lessens and is replaced by sweet relief, however that presents itself.

Today I pondered on the concept of wanting “more” or “different”-is it a design, a fault, a random fluke, fate, luck? Is at all of these or none? I suppose there’s no definite answer as we all attempt our way through this life, blindfolded on a tightrope with no safety net. Maybe that’s just it, the thrill of it all, and the fact that none of it comes without some level of risk-taking. 

Letting go of what we “thought” our life would turn out to be or what we “planned” can be the most beautifully painful part of reaching for something new or different; often these “in-between” periods have the humbling ability to highlight our hidden faults or weaknesses. This of course provides opportunities for improvement, however small or odd they may seem. From each of these trials and errors we rise a little higher (or sometimes sink a little and then rise up), and our perspective changes-whether it’s a.m. Or p.m. It’s still a day that we can call our own.

and here is a raw, unfiltered photo of my glassy-eyed self-in all my messy glory

Graceful resilience

ok maybe it’s a really messy resilience but I will honour the steadfastness of it all. I’ve decided, at least for this moment in time, to allow “okayness” to flow through me as I look at my surroundings with different eyes. Although positivity and meditation have certainly helped, they have never been the be all and end all of healing; what feels most comfortable, for me, is acceptance of my entire being and all it’s imperfections. That’s not to say that I don’t strive to improve that which I find is necessary to improve, but what I’d like to highlight is that the areas that need improvement will show themselves without force or fanfare.

strangely enough the more I love the quirks and ticks that make me, Me, the better I feel. The more I bathe in “okayness”  the more I get of that cradled feeling; it starts from my head, sleepy-like, and encompasses my entire body like a soft blanket. In those moments I feel supported and understood, and most importantly, accepted in my incomplete completeness.

If I haven’t been able to express this yet, let me take a moment to write this: some things I may write lightly but anything I have ever written out of pure love and emotion has come right from my hand and has been sent right from heart centre. Any doubts that have come after that are purely a form of self-preservation and are not a true reflection of the truth that I am  100% sure of, deep down in the waters of my mind.

Booby trapped

ok I’ve had enough with playing it cool. I tried the whole “sit cross legged like a monk and just “be”. It totally doesn’t resonate with the very nature of who I am. Well, there’s a part of me that appreciates the stillness until my foot or nose start itching and then all zen is thrown out the window. I’m working on a complete acceptance of myself, which can be challenging because I change “myself” often enough that about every third day I have to look in the mirror to get a better look at who I’ve become. That being written, my core values have remained the same-do good, be real, and trust not the person who doesn’t like chocolate.

As this year comes to a close (and believe me, I’m as relieved as you are) I look back at hand pick some very powerful and memorable moments that I hope I’ll always remember; an incredible surprise birthday party planned by the father of my children, the support of my network as I embarked on a new life path, destination still unknown. Falling in love with an idea; this is a multi faceted notion as it brings to the surface several questions: if the idea exists, does that make it real? If it is real, is it meant for me in this time or is just knowing that the idea is out there but perhaps will only be enjoyed vicariously, enough? I have had the privilege of meeting and getting to know a ton of different people this year; although some of the memories may make me cringe a little, each and every one has taught me something about myself and life and I value that. My choices in teachers may be questionable at times but as the saying goes “when the student is ready the teacher appears”, so perhaps it wasn’t a choice at all but the universe sending me what I needed at the time, through the methods that would make most sense to me.

I have also had warming experiences with people on a professional level that deserve mention; of course they may never read this but I hope that the “good joo joo” is out there on and they catch wind of it. To the receptionist who would compliment me calling me young lady and reminded me that age is   Irrelevant when compared to the youth of the heart-I’ll always remember your humour and kindness. AND the uncanny similarities in our tastes in music. And to your coworker who is making it happen, a working parent away from home-Respect. You are an example for those who strive for “more” or “different”. The environment that y’all have created is reflective of your unique and beautiful personalities and each and every one of your clients is lucky to be served by such caring people. I hope your boss gets you something really nice for Christmas : p

Remember: today is the first day of the rest of your life. Enjoy the sunshine and pour one out for your homegirl!

 

 

Frost bitten

it’s been one of those days. It’s colder than a witch’s teat and I don’t. Wanna. Adult. Anymore. No thank you.

I’m trying this whole “life simply IS” thing and so far I have to say that I’ve been able to emotionally remove myself from the pain of a sink full of dirty dishes, the annoyance of a child making horrible farting sounds with a balloon over and over. Oh and the excruciating heartache that was imminent once I discovered that I was all out of nighttime chocolate. Just joking. I used wine to cover up that one.

It’s been quiet, mostly, and I’m ok with that. Sometimes dolly needs OFF the horse for sometime, and that too is OK.

I thought that all the changes I went through were “it” when in fact it is just the beginning-which is exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to a gigantic question mark. “Yay”, she mutters from underneath her blanket, clutching a teddy bear.

truth be told it IS (remember, no adjectives) and if I can hold on to that it certainly helps me to build up patience and acceptance. Snort. I’m gonna need more wine for that.

through my gritted teeth I’m sending some warm wishes out to y’all; whoever you are, I really do love you. In like, that universal, unconditional way.  The same way I wholeheartedly love ferrero rocher chocolates, but more and beyond and it doesn’t involve biting and drooling. Well, ummm. Never mind.